When I saw this post, I thought "finally, someone writing about Bosnia, yay!"
I appreciate the intention of the author but I would be a bad historian if I didn't point out the things he neglected in this story, even if it is only fiction. And many of us love well researched fiction (Hilary Mantel, etc.).
I'm going to risk sounding like the proverbial "powder keg" here but this is a badly researched point of view of a writer about a context he is unfamiliar with.
The main character's name is unclear: is it Vedad (which is likely) or Nevad (highly unlikely)? I'm guessing this is just a detail the author forgot to edit. He's Muslim so Vedad is a good choice. Nevad is a name I only heard once, I still have no idea where it comes from and I lived in Sarajevo for twenty years. People in Bosnia have names that reflect their religious background and heritage, very eye-catching in writing.
His wife, Karima, as a married Muslim woman, would never appear in front of men without a peča/veil over her face. Her presence in a public sphere that is a café would be very unusual (unless she works in the secluded background which is more plausible) and since you want to portray her in that manner you would have to elaborate on this political question. Why is she without? Are they a rebellious family/couple, etc.? The law which abolished the veil was brought in 1945 with Tito's Yugoslavia. The Vedad character would have to be extremely progressive to have allowed his wife to move around publicly uncovered. However, unmarried girls were allowed to have their faces revealed, but not their hair. So perhaps that is the point of confusion here.
Gavrilo Princip contracted tuberculosis in Theresienstatd prison, not prior to the assassination. Also, he could not have had "a thick accent" since he was Bosnian, born in northwestern part of the country and educated in Sarajevo (high school; although in Belgrade as well, but that would not have altered his speech).
The reference to the three languages: Bosnian, Croatian and Serbian reflects contemporary language politics, rather than what happened back then. Yes, there were issues about standardization of the language but it would have been unlikely to hear common people from that period in a café in the old city refer to the "mother tongue - materinji jezik" anything other than that.
And lastly, you never order "a ćevapi", only at least half a dozen. :) (sing. ćevap; plur. ćevapi).
Amela, thank you for your feedback. I can see that Luke has responded too. I wanted to say a particular thanks for the respectful manner in which your feedback was communicated. I am not an expert in this period of history and as a platform that gives a voice to writers at all stages of experience, there will be lessons to learn. Once again, thank you for communicating respectfully; I really appreciate it and I’m sure that Luke does too.
Thanks for your critique and honesty. I thought this would be a risky business as this isn't a part of the world I'm super familiar with and it clearly shows. One thing I'm curious about is I read that Princip knew he had the disease. Perhaps that was misinformation or it could be that he'd had it for years but didn't show symptoms. I'm only thinking this because a friend is an epidemiologist with tb as a speciality and she explained it can lie dormant for years. If I addressed your points would the story be redeemed or should I just treat this as a learning exercise? I'm a work in progress so I'm taking the comments in the spirit intended
Hi Luke. First of all, I owe you an apology for not pointing out the good stuff in the story. I just went on and rambled about all the things I see as factual errors, instead of trying to also support you in your writing and research journey.
I am certain the story can be redeemed, if you pay attention to the points I made:
* The consistency of the main character's name.
* I like the way you portrayed the relationship between the spouses and their struggle around their child's loss and the latent tenderness between them, the effort to rekindle their marriage, etc.
But if they are Muslims you have to consider adapting Karima's role in the public space. So if she's working in the cafe where she can be seen by the customers, she has to be either with a particular veil which covers her face but still not interacting with male customers at all (that's her husband's role) or she works in the background where she's hidden.
Another solution to this problem would be to transform your characters to non-Muslims (Catholics, Orthodox-Christian, Jews or foreigners). Christian and Jewish women during the Austro-Hungarian and the Interwar period in Bosnia had the freedom to be seen in public, dressed like the women from other parts of Western and Central Europe.
The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your story was: this entire setting would suit much better in the event of, for example, the assassination of Kaiserin Sissy.
A different solution would be to pick another event in Sarajevo or elsewhere in Bosnia but in the socialist period of Yugoslavia, when the veil and all it's accompanying dress revolving around Islam as a religion was banned.
* The issue I pointed out about language. The thick accent doesn't make sense for the reasons I mentioned. No need to show the division of languages, because it is a political discussion more suited to both the Bosnian Parliament of that period and to contemporary debates. Your characters are folks who often frequent the cafe, they all speak the same language, whether they have similar political opinions or not ("our language" I would use that, if I were to write this story).
* Tuberculosis, hm... Regardless of factual correctness, when I think a bit about how you created Princip in your story, it goes well with the mood that he's already ill, it accentuates the couple's painful memories so in that way, it works.
I cannot claim anything about how the illness develops in a human body, so this is your call, licentia poetica.
But I have always read that Princip contracted the disease in prison, where they first amputated his right arm due to the illness affecting his bones, afterwards it spread to the lungs, etc. but the literature always pointed out that it was the horrible prison conditions that caused it. That's the reason why I brought this argument up. Plus, the Young Bosna and the Black Hand societies were most likely gathering up young, healthy men, capable of physical exertions, it would defy the national(ist) narrative and practice of gathering up sick men for such a difficult task as an assassination.
In essence, I would be glad to read a rewritten story in light of these points, so definitely keep up the writing.
You don't need to apologize at all. I think your feedback was warranted and communicated respectfully. I'm in a writing group and in b2b sales, so I'm accustomed to regularly getting feedback. It's good to know that the core of the characters came across in the way I intended. I know exactly where you're coming from. I read "The Marriage Portrait" and found that very frustrating. The nuts and bolts of the story work, but the character's goal is completely out of whack with the time. It stopped me from suspending my disbelief, so these things do matter. I've not decided where to take these stories, but if I rewrote them, this is where I'd return for guidance. I forgot that Sissy was murdered too!
Thank you. This is easier for me, being the one with the information advantage.
B2B sales is tough, I now better understand your courage to write about something that interests you . Definitely keep this up, whatever you choose.
For the sake of comparison, I wrote a short story about a married couple in Sarajevo in 1826, about the dissolution of the janissaries and how both of them deal with the idea of death. I included quite a bit of adapted loanwords from Turkish language. You can see what I do with the woman's character, mainly her social mannerisms and how it doesn't have to take something away from her strength. Structurally, it's a powerful thing we can do as writers to sculpt our writing around the facts.
I haven't read The Marriage Portrait, it's been on a list of mine but now I'm not sure. 😃
Yes, Sissy! It just popped into my mind when I read it.
When I saw this post, I thought "finally, someone writing about Bosnia, yay!"
I appreciate the intention of the author but I would be a bad historian if I didn't point out the things he neglected in this story, even if it is only fiction. And many of us love well researched fiction (Hilary Mantel, etc.).
I'm going to risk sounding like the proverbial "powder keg" here but this is a badly researched point of view of a writer about a context he is unfamiliar with.
The main character's name is unclear: is it Vedad (which is likely) or Nevad (highly unlikely)? I'm guessing this is just a detail the author forgot to edit. He's Muslim so Vedad is a good choice. Nevad is a name I only heard once, I still have no idea where it comes from and I lived in Sarajevo for twenty years. People in Bosnia have names that reflect their religious background and heritage, very eye-catching in writing.
His wife, Karima, as a married Muslim woman, would never appear in front of men without a peča/veil over her face. Her presence in a public sphere that is a café would be very unusual (unless she works in the secluded background which is more plausible) and since you want to portray her in that manner you would have to elaborate on this political question. Why is she without? Are they a rebellious family/couple, etc.? The law which abolished the veil was brought in 1945 with Tito's Yugoslavia. The Vedad character would have to be extremely progressive to have allowed his wife to move around publicly uncovered. However, unmarried girls were allowed to have their faces revealed, but not their hair. So perhaps that is the point of confusion here.
Gavrilo Princip contracted tuberculosis in Theresienstatd prison, not prior to the assassination. Also, he could not have had "a thick accent" since he was Bosnian, born in northwestern part of the country and educated in Sarajevo (high school; although in Belgrade as well, but that would not have altered his speech).
The reference to the three languages: Bosnian, Croatian and Serbian reflects contemporary language politics, rather than what happened back then. Yes, there were issues about standardization of the language but it would have been unlikely to hear common people from that period in a café in the old city refer to the "mother tongue - materinji jezik" anything other than that.
And lastly, you never order "a ćevapi", only at least half a dozen. :) (sing. ćevap; plur. ćevapi).
Amela, thank you for your feedback. I can see that Luke has responded too. I wanted to say a particular thanks for the respectful manner in which your feedback was communicated. I am not an expert in this period of history and as a platform that gives a voice to writers at all stages of experience, there will be lessons to learn. Once again, thank you for communicating respectfully; I really appreciate it and I’m sure that Luke does too.
Thanks Holly, you've been more gracious with your comment than I was with mine, so apologies from my part.
🥰
Thanks for your critique and honesty. I thought this would be a risky business as this isn't a part of the world I'm super familiar with and it clearly shows. One thing I'm curious about is I read that Princip knew he had the disease. Perhaps that was misinformation or it could be that he'd had it for years but didn't show symptoms. I'm only thinking this because a friend is an epidemiologist with tb as a speciality and she explained it can lie dormant for years. If I addressed your points would the story be redeemed or should I just treat this as a learning exercise? I'm a work in progress so I'm taking the comments in the spirit intended
Hi Luke. First of all, I owe you an apology for not pointing out the good stuff in the story. I just went on and rambled about all the things I see as factual errors, instead of trying to also support you in your writing and research journey.
I am certain the story can be redeemed, if you pay attention to the points I made:
* The consistency of the main character's name.
* I like the way you portrayed the relationship between the spouses and their struggle around their child's loss and the latent tenderness between them, the effort to rekindle their marriage, etc.
But if they are Muslims you have to consider adapting Karima's role in the public space. So if she's working in the cafe where she can be seen by the customers, she has to be either with a particular veil which covers her face but still not interacting with male customers at all (that's her husband's role) or she works in the background where she's hidden.
Another solution to this problem would be to transform your characters to non-Muslims (Catholics, Orthodox-Christian, Jews or foreigners). Christian and Jewish women during the Austro-Hungarian and the Interwar period in Bosnia had the freedom to be seen in public, dressed like the women from other parts of Western and Central Europe.
The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your story was: this entire setting would suit much better in the event of, for example, the assassination of Kaiserin Sissy.
A different solution would be to pick another event in Sarajevo or elsewhere in Bosnia but in the socialist period of Yugoslavia, when the veil and all it's accompanying dress revolving around Islam as a religion was banned.
* The issue I pointed out about language. The thick accent doesn't make sense for the reasons I mentioned. No need to show the division of languages, because it is a political discussion more suited to both the Bosnian Parliament of that period and to contemporary debates. Your characters are folks who often frequent the cafe, they all speak the same language, whether they have similar political opinions or not ("our language" I would use that, if I were to write this story).
* Tuberculosis, hm... Regardless of factual correctness, when I think a bit about how you created Princip in your story, it goes well with the mood that he's already ill, it accentuates the couple's painful memories so in that way, it works.
I cannot claim anything about how the illness develops in a human body, so this is your call, licentia poetica.
But I have always read that Princip contracted the disease in prison, where they first amputated his right arm due to the illness affecting his bones, afterwards it spread to the lungs, etc. but the literature always pointed out that it was the horrible prison conditions that caused it. That's the reason why I brought this argument up. Plus, the Young Bosna and the Black Hand societies were most likely gathering up young, healthy men, capable of physical exertions, it would defy the national(ist) narrative and practice of gathering up sick men for such a difficult task as an assassination.
In essence, I would be glad to read a rewritten story in light of these points, so definitely keep up the writing.
And thanks for reading these essays of mine!
You don't need to apologize at all. I think your feedback was warranted and communicated respectfully. I'm in a writing group and in b2b sales, so I'm accustomed to regularly getting feedback. It's good to know that the core of the characters came across in the way I intended. I know exactly where you're coming from. I read "The Marriage Portrait" and found that very frustrating. The nuts and bolts of the story work, but the character's goal is completely out of whack with the time. It stopped me from suspending my disbelief, so these things do matter. I've not decided where to take these stories, but if I rewrote them, this is where I'd return for guidance. I forgot that Sissy was murdered too!
Thank you. This is easier for me, being the one with the information advantage.
B2B sales is tough, I now better understand your courage to write about something that interests you . Definitely keep this up, whatever you choose.
For the sake of comparison, I wrote a short story about a married couple in Sarajevo in 1826, about the dissolution of the janissaries and how both of them deal with the idea of death. I included quite a bit of adapted loanwords from Turkish language. You can see what I do with the woman's character, mainly her social mannerisms and how it doesn't have to take something away from her strength. Structurally, it's a powerful thing we can do as writers to sculpt our writing around the facts.
I haven't read The Marriage Portrait, it's been on a list of mine but now I'm not sure. 😃
Yes, Sissy! It just popped into my mind when I read it.
Anyway, good luck with your writing and research!